Verbalist

Every communication is a two-way route- Listening skills are as important as speaking. 

Most of us try to hone speaking skills so much that listening skills sometimes take a back seat. 

But, what most of my students don’t understand is unless they listen carefully, the communication is not going to be effective. 

What exactly happens when you don’t listen carefully? Take these conversations as examples. In this case, both A and B are working on a major project together at work and have a tough deadline to work with. But, 

Conversation 1: 

A:  Hey, the project deadline has been bothering me. 

B: Hello, what’s the problem?

A: I’ve a major personal commitment coming up and I don’t think I can bail out on my family. 

B: Tell me about it! I have a major event in my family too and it’s been hectic. 

What is the problem with this conversation? 

Person A is trying to communicate his/her problem to B, but B diverged from what A was trying to say. This is because the phrase “personal commitment” triggered B to talk about his/her experience. So, rather than consuming the information, B only focussed on giving away information. B’s listening skill is weak in such a way that he/she pays attention only to what they perceive as important.

What would happen to the conversation? 

The communication becomes ineffective, or the two people would just spend a lot of time getting to the crux of the discussion. With critical issues such as deadlines where there are other stakeholders involved, a point-of-no-return discussion can cause significant delays on the project. 

Now, let’s understand how the discussion should have happened. 

Conversation 2: 

A:  Hey, the project deadline has been bothering me. 

B: Hello, what’s the problem?

A: I’ve a major personal commitment coming up and I don’t think I can bail out on my family. 

B: Oh, you’re definitely in a fix! What’s on your mind about this?

What is the good thing about this conversation? 

That B listened to A, and tried to move the conversation forward. More importantly, B stuck to the theme of the conversation instead by actually listening and responding appropriate to what A was trying to say. 

From the above conversations, you may have now understood that it takes the following characteristics to have good listening skills: 

Patience: While practising patience in a conversation, you must be mindful of when the other person is ending their sentences and on what note. Following is an example of a conversation which entails the use of patience in a conversation. 

Conversation 3

A: Hey, I finally vacationed in Majorca this year! It is lovely this time of year there, especially the—

B: The beaches? Oh yes, I know, I went there last year, it was so good!

A: No, I meant the food there.

B: Oh. Right.

What do you think went wrong in the conversation here?

Was person B a little hasty in their approach towards person A? Person A meant something entirely different to what Person B thought it was. This is a classic example of how conversations without patient listening tend to end abruptly and awkwardly. This also indicated poor listening skills.

Let’s take a look at the same conversation and what ways it could have gone if Person B displayed a little patience.

Conversation 4

A: Hey, I finally vacationed in Majorca this year! It is lovely this time of year there, especially the food! Oh, the aroma, and the fantastic flavours!

B: Yes! I know right! Did you try their staple food—rice and vegetables with meat?

A: Oh yes, there is actually a Majorcan restaurant in town which serves the best Arros But. We could go there sometime if you want.

B: That sounds like a good plan!

What was the right step in this conversation?

Person B exercised patience, and it led to a new avenue in the conversation, and hence, a new experience. If you hear out what a person has to say, you can always find more points to talk to them about!

Focus: Focusing in a conversation might not come easy to people. Sometimes, we tend to focus on our own thoughts more than what the other might be saying. This tends to create problems in some situations. 

Let us take the example of a workplace to understand this better.

Conversation 5:

A: Can anyone tell us what this graph means in terms of consumer satisfaction? 

B: *Lost in thought*

A: Mr. B, can you please answer the question? 

B: Um, I’m sorry I did not hear what you said.

Where did Mr. B falter here? 

The conversation here was left open ended and abrupt when Person B did not answer the question, which in turn casts Person B as someone who does not actively listen. In this situation, a simple trick is to listen to keywords in a conversation and frame your answer around that.

Conversation 6

A: Can anyone tell us what this graph means in terms of consumer satisfaction?

B: *Graph on screen; Customer Satisfaction. *

A: Mr. B, can you please answer the question?

B: Sure, but I will need to see what the next graph is to compute satisfaction rates of all our demographics, not just of one community as this graph indicates.

A: Sure! Let’s switch to the next slide…

What Person B did right was pay enough attention to the tone of the sentence, the keywords, and what Person A wanted answered. This led to a strong conversation, as well as indicated that Person B not only listened, but also thought ahead.

Grasping: Grasping what the other person is saying is often an immense task. One could never be able to fully process what the person in front of them is saying because we cannot get the complete emotional background of it. However, there is one way to grasp the gravity of the conversation by understanding not only the conversation, but also the emotion behind it.

Conversation 7

A: Can someone please clean the microwave? It smells like popcorn. 

B: It does not smell that bad, you can still use it. 

A: No, unclean spaces distress me. 

B: Get over it.

What went wrong in this conversation? Does Person B exhibit the right amount of grasping powers?

The only flaw here is the non-existence of empathy here. When you know that the person is not keen on doing something, or it causes them psychological distress, or it elicits any kind of emotion, you should choose your words carefully.

Conversation 8

A: Can someone please clean the microwave? It smells like popcorn.

B: It does not smell that bad, you can still use it.

A: No, I have OCD, unclean spaces distress me.  

B: Okay, no worries. I will see what I can do about the microwave. If you want to heat your food right now, you can use the upstairs microwave.

A: Thank you!

This conversation went more peacefully than the other one. In this conversation, Person B exercised the right amount of empathy, without making the other person feel awkward. This means that Person B grasped the situation better than in the previous conversation.

It takes a lot of practice to incorporate these traits. Try to consciously listen well as much as you try to speak well.

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